{"id":181367,"date":"2024-08-21T19:49:44","date_gmt":"2024-08-22T00:49:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/?p=181367"},"modified":"2024-08-21T19:49:44","modified_gmt":"2024-08-22T00:49:44","slug":"alternate-history-1865","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/alternate-history-1865\/","title":{"rendered":"Alternate history: 1865"},"content":{"rendered":"

Steve Sailer this week wrote about American presidents and alcohol<\/a>, which reminded me of this old favorite.<\/i><\/p>\n

If Grant Had Been Drinking at Appomattox<\/h3>\n

By James Thurber<\/strong><\/p>\n

(\u201cScribner\u2019s\u201d magazine is publishing a series of three articles: \u201cIf Booth Had Missed Lincoln,\u201d \u201cIf Lee Had Won the Battle of Gettysburg,\u201d and \u201cIf Napoleon Had Escaped to America.\u201d This is the fourth.)<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The morning of the ninth of April, 1865, dawned beautifully. General Meade was up with the first streaks of crimson in the sky. General Hooker and General Burnside were up and had breakfasted, by a quarter after eight. The day continued beautiful. It drew on toward eleven o\u2019clock. General Ulysses S. Grant was still not up. He was asleep in his famous old navy hammock, swung high above the floor of his headquarters\u2019 bedroom. Headquarters was distressingly disarranged: papers were strewn on the floor; confidential notes from spies scurried here and there in the breeze from an open window; the dregs of an overturned bottle of wine flowed pinkly across an important military map.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Corporal Shultz, of the Sixty-fifth Ohio Volunteer Infantry, aide to General Grant, came into the outer room, looked around him, and sighed. He entered the bedroom and shook the General\u2019s hammock roughly. General Ulysses S. Grant opened one eye.<\/p>\n

\u201cPardon, sir,\u201d said Corporal Shultz, \u201cbut this is the day of surrender. You ought to be up, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t swing me,\u201d said Grant, sharply, for his aide was making the hammock sway gently. \u201cI feel terrible,\u201d he added, and he turned over and closed his eye again.<\/p>\n

\u201cGeneral Lee will be here any minute now,\u201d said the Corporal firmly, swinging the hammock again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you cut that out?\u201d roared Grant. \u201cD\u2019ya want to make me sick, or what?\u201d Shultz clicked his heels and saluted. \u201cWhat\u2019s he coming here for?\u201d asked the General.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the day of surrender, sir,\u201d said Shultz. Grant grunted bitterly.<\/p>\n

\u201cThree hundred and fifty generals in the Northern armies,\u201d said Grant, \u201cand he has to come to me about this. What time is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the Commander-in-Chief, that\u2019s why,\u201d said Corporal Shultz. \u201cIt\u2019s eleven twenty, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be crazy,\u201d said Grant. \u201cLincoln is the Commander-in-Chief. Nobody in the history of the world ever surrendered before lunch. Doesn\u2019t he know that an army surrenders on its stomach?\u201d He pulled a blanket up over his head and settled himself again.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe generals of the Confederacy will be here any minute now,\u201d said the Corporal. \u201cYou really ought to be up, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

Grant stretched his arms above his head and yawned. \u201cAll right, all right,\u201d he said. He rose to a sitting position and stared about the room. \u201cThis place looks awful,\u201d he growled.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must have had quite a time of it last night, sir,\u201d ventured Shultz.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeh,\u201d said General Grant, looking around for his clothes. \u201cI was wrassling some general. Some general with a beard.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shultz helped the commander of the Northern armies in the field to find his clothes.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s my other sock?\u201d demanded Grant.<\/p>\n

Shultz began to look around for it. The General walked uncertainly to a table and poured a drink from a bottle.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think it wise to drink, sir,\u201d said Shultz.<\/p>\n

\u201cNev\u2019 mind about me,\u201d said Grant, helping himself to a second, \u201cI can take it or let it alone. Didn\u2019 ya ever hear the story about the fella went to Lincoln to complain about me drinking too much? \u2018So-and-So says Grant drinks too much,\u2019 this fella said. \u2018So-and-So is a fool,\u2019 said Lincoln. So this fella went to What\u2019s-His-Name and told him what Lincoln said and he came roarin\u2019 to Lincoln about it. \u2018Did you tell So-and-So I was a fool?\u2019 he said. \u2018No,\u2019 said Lincoln, \u2018I thought he knew it.’\u201d The General smiled, reminiscently, and had another drink. \u201cThat\u2019s how I stand with Lincoln,\u201d he said, proudly,<\/p>\n

The soft thudding sound of horses\u2019 hooves came through the open window. Shultz hurriedly walked over and looked out.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoof steps,\u201d said Grant, with a curious chortle.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is General Lee and his staff,\u201d said Shultz.<\/p>\n

\u201cShow him in,\u201d said the General, taking another drink. \u201cAnd see what the boys in the back room will have.\u201d Shultz walked smartly over to the door, opened it, saluted, and stood aside.<\/p>\n

General Lee, dignified against the blue of the April sky, magnificent in his dress uniform, stood for a moment framed in the doorway. He walked in, followed by his staff. They bowed, and stood silent. General Grant stared at them. He only had one boot on and his jacket was unbuttoned.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know who you are,\u201d said Grant. \u201cYou\u2019re Robert Browning, the poet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is General Robert E. Lee,\u201d said one of his staff, coldly.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d said Grant. \u201cI thought he was Robert Browning. He certainly looks like Robert Browning. There was a poet for you. Lee. Browning. Did ya ever read \u2018How They Brought the Good News from Ghent to Aix\u2019? \u2018Up Derek, to saddle, up Derek, away; up Dunder, up Blitzen, up, Prancer, up Dancer, up Bouncer, up Vixen, up -\u2018\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cShall we proceed at once to the matter in hand?\u201d asked General Lee, his eyes disdainfully taking in the disordered room.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome of the boys was wrassling here last night,\u201d explained Grant. \u201cI threw Sherman, or some general a whole lot like Sherman. It was pretty dark.\u201d He handed a bottle of Scotch to the commanding officer of the Southern armies, who stood holding it, in amazement and discomfiture. \u201cGet a glass, somebody,\u201d said Grant, looking straight at General Longstreet. \u201cDidn\u2019t I meet you at Cold Harbor?\u201d he asked. General Longstreet did not answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cI should like to have this over with as soon as possible,\u201d said Lee.<\/p>\n

Grant looked vaguely at Shultz, who walked up close to him, frowning.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe surrender, sir, the surrender,\u201d said Corporal Shultz in a whisper.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh sure, sure,\u201d said Grant. He took another drink. \u201cAll right,\u201d he said. \u201cHere we go.\u201d Slowly, sadly, he unbuckled his sword. Then he handed it to the astonished Lee. \u201cThere you are. General,\u201d said Grant. \u201cWe dam\u2019 near licked you. If I\u2019d been feeling better we would of licked you.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Steve Sailer this week wrote about American presidents and alcohol, which reminded me of this old favorite. If Grant Had Been Drinking at Appomattox By James Thurber (\u201cScribner\u2019s\u201d magazine is publishing a series of three articles: \u201cIf Booth Had Missed Lincoln,\u201d \u201cIf Lee Had Won the Battle of Gettysburg,\u201d and \u201cIf Napoleon Had Escaped to … Continue reading “Alternate history: 1865”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,35],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-181367","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor-and-horror","category-words"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4xam3-Lbh","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181367","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=181367"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181367\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":181371,"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181367\/revisions\/181371"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=181367"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=181367"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shuffly.net\/zoop\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=181367"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}