Make your reservations now

The organizers of many smaller anime conventions, such as Anime Fest Wichita, are often slow to update their websites. This is inconvenient for those who prefer to plan ahead, so I’ve compiled information for a typical regional convention. This is by no means complete, but it should give potential attendees an idea of what to expect.

Classes, workshops and panels

Anime Taxonomy
The traditional division of anime and manga into the categories of shounen, shoujo, seinen and josei is of little use to the serious student of anime. We’ll develop an alternate classification scheme using as parameters magnitude of breasts, intensity of angst, quantity of blood, diameter of eyes, presence of kemenomimi, frequency of panchira, and potential violations of child pornography laws.

The State of Anime I
A discussion of the problems facing anime in the West and its chances of survival. The presenters place the blame squarely where it belongs: the insane Japanese system for financing anime, and the greed and paranoia of the license-holders.

Anime and the Significant Other
How to introduce that special person in your life to your obsession; tips on which titles to watch together first, what plushies are suitable gifts, how to suggest cosplay, and when to bring up Evangelion.

The State of Anime II
A discussion of the problems facing anime in the West and its chances of survival. The presenters place the blame squarely where it belongs: the legions of fansubbers who undercut the market for legitimate releases.

Cosplay Props
The right prop doesn’t merely enhance your costume. It clears space around you and serves as both defense and offense. Topics discussed include how sharp the points of Pyramid Head’s head can be without making it an illegal weapon, and how to most efficiently block hallways with Wolfwood’s cross.

Socialization
A workshop for otaku who want to experiment with normal social life. It includes exercises in basic conversation, making eye contact, and turning the computer off. Each participant will receive a bar of soap with instructions for its use.

The State of Anime III
A discussion of the problems facing anime in the West and its chances of survival. The presenters place the blame squarely where it belongs: the irrational behavior of the companies that license and distribute anime in the West.

Do Chicks Really Dig Giant Robots?
A panel of young women share their mecha fantasies.

Do Guys Secretly Dig Shoujo?
A panel of young men is blackmailed into admitting the truth.

The State of Anime IV
A discussion of the problems facing anime in the West and its chances of survival. The presenters place the blame squarely where it belongs: the ignorant prejudice toward animation in the West, where it is considered children’s entertainment and nothing more.

It’s a Trap
An introduction to the national sport of Japan, crossdressing. Topics covered include the sailor fuku, the varieties of lolita garb, and the plugsuit; basics of makeup; how to walk; age and weight limits; and, which bathroom to use. We’ll also consider whether a girl portraying Mana is truly crossplaying.

The Ideal Man
A discussion of the characteristics of the most desirable males, determined by an analysis of well-known harem anime series. The results are counter-intuitive.

The State of Anime V
A discussion of the problems facing anime in the West and its chances of survival. The presenters place the blame squarely where it belongs: the ignorant prejudice toward anime in the West, where it is seen as suitable only for small children and maladjusted males.

Cosplay for the Ugly and Fat
So what if you’re not cute and slender? There are options for the attractiveness-challenged and circumferentially-enhanced. Possibilities discussed include Totoro, Gintama‘s Elizabeth and Sailor Bubba.

Nosebleeds and Physics
The volume and force of anime characters’ nosebleeds are much greater than those commonly experienced. Researchers have found that in some cases, the amount of blood expelled is greater than the total amount contained in the epistaxic individual, and theorize that the nosebleed can continue indefinitely under certain conditions. This suggests that some adjustments may be necessary to the laws of physics in the context of anime romance. The presenters will discuss these and other recent findings, and will report on the progress in developing a system of propulsion based on keeping young men in the presence of attractive, half-dressed young women.

The State of Anime VI
A discussion of the problems facing anime in the West and its chances of survival. The presenters place the blame squarely where it belongs: anime fans themselves, interested only in “moe,” violence and titillation.

Anime and the Church
The suprising tenets, practices and history of Catholicism as depicted in such series as Blue Exorcist and Chrno Crusade.

Advanced Fan Service
A survey of some of the subtler pleasures in anime, such as the pocket calculator in Rocket Girls and Lycoris radiata in Shingu.

After Anime
If anime becomes too expensive to buy in the West, what can take its place? We’ll consider such possibilities as the works of Lauren Faust, medieval literature, contra dancing, stamp collecting, radical politics and soap operas.

Announcements

Twilight Sparkle has reserved the main auditorium for a special announcement Saturday afternoon. We’re not sure what it’s about, but we did overhear somepony in her entourage remark, “Fluttershy would make a great Secretary of Defense.”

*****

New this year: The Old Maid Café
Experience the charm and sweetness of Princess Nancy, Empress Kathleen, Queen Hillary and The Fabulous Baracka Oh! Let them show you what tsunderes are all about as they decide what you will have, how much you will pay for it, and whether they serve it on your plate or in your lap. In the Old Maid Café, you wear the nekomimi. Admission is FREE! ((Egress is $15,600,000,000,000.37 (estimated).))

*****

At the insistence of our legal advisors, we canceled the Lolicon Shoot. (Thanks a lot, spoilsports. We were only going to use paint balls and rubber bullets.) But never fear, we have something even better planned, which we’ll announce as soon as the waivers come back from the printer and we double-check the wiring on the — well, you’ll see soon enough. *Grin*

*****

We’ve revised the registration process, and nobody should have to wait more than two hours in line. Three hours, max. We’ll have paramedics standing by in case anyone faints from heat exhaustion, but we doubt they’ll be necessary this time.

*****

Kids, keep an eye on your parents at all times. Don’t let them annoy other con attendees, make sure they drink enough water, and get them to bed at a reasonable hour.