New speed limits on federal highways

The Federal Highway Administration today announced that the speed limit for all vehicles on interstate highways will be reduced to 1.33 miles per hour, effective immediately. States that accept federal funds will be required to similarly lower speed limits on state roads.

“High-speed collisions kill thousands of drivers and passengers every year,” stated a department spokesman. “It would be unconscionable to let the carnage continue.”

The department had considered lowering the speed limit even further.

“We initially planned to set a maximum speed of .25 miles per hour, but a staffer from Georgia pointed out that a vehicle moving at that pace could be overtaken by a vigorous shoot of kudzu and become hopelessly entangled,” he noted.

He acknowledged that some drivers might find the speed inconveniently slow, but he noted that the lower the speed, the more survivable a crash is.

“If it saves just one life, it will have been worth it,” he said emphatically.

“If you’re really in a hurry, you can always walk.”