Red noses mandatory for pundits, reviewers

The Federal Bureau of Presenting Things as They Really Are this morning issued regulations requiring anyone who is paid to express an opinion to wear an attachment on his nose at all times while in public.

The attachment must be a solid foam-rubber sphere at least two inches in diameter, partly hollowed-out so that it will fit comfortably over the tip of the nose, and secured in position by either glue or straps around the head. It must be bright red in color.

“We want people to know precisely how seriously to take the pronouncements of paid political analysts,” said a bureau spokesman. “One look at the pundit will tell them all they need to know.”

The regulations stipulate that the nasal attachment must be clearly visible in all photographs and other graphic depictions of the wearer, and also in any film or video in which he is involved.

The spokesman noted that those who are paid to review books, movies or music for any publication or website are also subject to the regulations and must wear the attachments, too.

He denied that television newscasters will be required to wear conical paper caps during broadcasts.

“That’s beyond our scope, and it’s lowbrow entertainment, anyway.”