IRS to stop collecting income tax

The Internal Revenue Service will no longer collect income tax, starting January 1, 2021.

“It’s a mess,” said IRS spokesman Richard Turpin. “All those deductions, all those forms, the different exemptions, the whole rigamarole — it would drive anyone nuts. It’s unfair to expect any private citizen to wade through all that nonsense. So, we’re going to simplify the process.”

Instead of deducting a percentage of a worker’s wages from each pay check, employers now will send the entire amount to the IRS. The IRS will pay the worker a stipend sufficient to cover basic living expenses. The size of the stipend will depend on several factors, including the salary paid by the employer and the official cost of living at the employee’s location. Other factors include the value of the worker to his community.

“Good, sociable, conspicuously helpful people can expect enhancements to their allowances,” noted Turpin. “Those individuals who insist on being uncooperative and difficult might need to tighten their belts.”

Turpin also pooh-poohed the rumor that the IRS plans to tax the air one breathes.

“Absolute nonsense,” he emphatically stated. “Tax the air, indeed. We might as well tax your feet. How do these silly rumors get started?

“The correct term is ‘user fee.’ It’s very fair and equitable, based on how much oxygen one consumes. The precise amount for each person will be determined by his age, weight and body mass index.”