Nuclear waste repository announced

The Department of Energy declared today that central Massachusetts henceforward will be the site for long-term storage of nuclear waste.

“It’s geologically stable area, not near any known major faults and with no vulcanism for millions of years. It should be secure for countless centuries to come,” said department spokesman Max Radialis in a press conference this morning. “It makes far more sense than some random spot in the tectonically unstable west, where there are frequent large earthquakes and numerous volcanic fields.”

When a reporter asked why a site in Massachusetts had been selected, Radialis replied that it was in recognition of the many contributions to the political culture of the United States of America made by individuals from the state.

“John Kerry, Michael Dukakis, Willard Romney, Elizabeth Warren, a whole bunch of Kennedys — they’ve all added memorably to the political culture of this land. We felt it was a nice way to show our regard for their work,” he said. “We’re returning the favor, so to speak.”