The Border Collie Initiative

Man’s best friend may be the politician’s best hope.

Every politician currently holding office is in grave danger of damnation, according to studies published by the American Association of Forensic Theologians and Exorcists International.

“A candidate who wins his first election may begin his term in a state of grace,” explained Theophilus Rye, Professor of Applied Metaphysics at the University of Flatland-Kechi. “However, political power coarsens the soul. It’s inherently corrupting, and being in the vicinity of very large quantities of money exacerbates the damage.”

Inevitably, by the end of his first term, the new politician’s only priority will be re-election, Rye stated. Serving his constituents no longer matters except as it helps him retain his seat or gain higher office. Compromises become increasingly easy.

“The longer he remains in office, the more addicted he becomes to the exercise of power and the accumulation of wealth,” he continued. “Seniority intensifies the effects. He becomes a lost soul, living only for power, helpless to save himself.

“The only hope is to remove him from office, the sooner the better,” Rye said firmly.

While impeachment is useful in emergencies, the most practical approach is to turn politicians out of office at election time. Therefore, AAFT and EI urge that every single incumbent be defeated in November.

“Returning them to civilian life will give them an opportunity to reflect on their actions, do penance and reform their lives,” Rye said.

Rye noted that simply defeating one set of politicians is not enough. If they are merely replaced by another group of office-seekers, the cycle will begin anew. A more radical approach is necessary.

“The AAFT has been working with breeders and dog trainers in every state to produce dogs capable of holding public office,” Rye stated. “These creatures — mostly highly intelligent border collies — are loyal, disciplined and incorruptible, capable of managing herds of sheep and low-information voters. The temptations of power will mean nothing to them.

“We expect to have a full slate of canine candidates for all national and state races in November.”

After the election, AAFT, EI and affiliated organizations will consider the spiritual well-being of the members of the federal bureaucracy.

“It’s a daunting prospect,” Rye noted. “We’ll need an army of exorcists at the very least.”