Category: Humor and horror

Chickens, dogs, banjos and bagpipes

Alan Arkin died a few days ago. You can find plenty of encomiums to this unique, legendary, etc. artist online1. Back in 1958, long before Peter Falk yelled “Serpentine” at him, he wrote a minor classic science fiction story, “People Soup.”2 You can read it here.

***

There’s an exhibition of Komar & Melamid’s art in New Jersey. I’d like to see it, but it’s a bit far to pedal. I wrote briefly about the duo here. The New Criterion article, worth reading though it is, omits one noteworthy project of theirs, a collaboration with composer David Soldier to produce examples of the “most wanted” and “least wanted” pieces of music. The “most wanted” song is inevitably drivel that not even Vernon Reid’s guitar can redeem, but people do like drivel, as I constantly rediscover. The “least wanted” song, however, is simultaneously wonderful and horrible and is worth hearing all the way though at least once.

Amending the amendments

From A Postmodern Permutation of the Bill of Rights:

6. In all criminal prosecutions for political crimes, the media shall enjoy the right to mount a speedy and public trial of the accused, by a jury of partisan hacks, in newspapers and television programs produced thousands of miles from the district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district said partisan hacks shall mock, ridicule, and defame. Participation of the accused in his own media and judicial trials is forbidden as an impediment to the efficient operation of the justice system.

Sort of a Christmas story

Some years back I posted one of Robert Benchley’s Christmas pieces. Here’s another.

Editha’s Christmas Burglar

By Robert Benchley
It was the night before Christmas, and Editha was all agog. It was all so exciting, so exciting! From her little bed up in the nursery she could hear Mumsey and Daddy down-stairs putting the things on the tree and jamming her stocking full of broken candy and oranges.

Continue reading “Sort of a Christmas story”

The Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z

Via David Breitenbeck, here’s a list, “Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do in an RPG.” A few items from the list:

20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.

94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on either Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.

105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.

134. The King’s Guards’ official name is not “The Royal Order of the Red Shirt”

174. There is no use of Shatner’s spoken word album that doesn’t require a humanity check.

199. My third wish cannot be ‘I wish you wouldn’t grant this wish.’

221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that’s gonna get some paradox.

251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.

289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.

330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.

411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he’s monologuing.

476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.

559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can’t offer his accordion.

623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.

651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.

753. No encouraging Swedish accents.

781. My tribe’s trial by combat ritual is not best described as “Calvinball with axes.”

845. It’s not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with “Who’s your daddy?”

968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn’t.

975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level Kamikaze.

1172. My brooding costumed vigilante can’t take the flaw Dark Secret: Well Adjusted to Society.

1337. Can’t lure the Bastet into an ambush by turning on the can opener.

See also DM of the Rings and Chainmail Bikini.